


Let Me Put My Darkness In You

by ArdeaJestin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Armitage Hux Has Issues, Attempt at Humor, Bad Poetry, Bad Puns, Crack, Emo Kylo Ren, F/M, I'm Sorry, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 23:54:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18648694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArdeaJestin/pseuds/ArdeaJestin
Summary: Hux catches his boss composing love poems, attempts to wreak havoc, and wonders why smartphones don't exist.





	Let Me Put My Darkness In You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Riels_shorts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riels_shorts/gifts).



> This is a gift for Terestriel, aka riels_shorts, who had the following canonverse prompt: "Hux catches Kylo pining and/or composing love poetry (bonus if he does it in his helmet)."
> 
> I had a hard time writing this because I think humor is a very difficult genre to get right, especially within canon, but I hope you enjoy it ^^

Log of Armitage Hux, Day 135

 

As we continue our rather smooth cruise around the galaxy to put terror in the hearts of the unwilling, it pains me to say I have so far made little progress in Operation Skyloser. (Note: will have to come up with better name for my memoirs.) As of today, the hundred and thirty-fifth day since our dear Supreme Leader has passed under circumstances which NO ONE but myself seem to find suspicious in the least (the downside of having an effective cleaning crew I personally trained, I suppose), here is a list of possible ways to overthrow Kylo Ren and become dictator of the entire galaxy:

 

\- fill out forms 138B, 144A and 65-65DN as instructed by the flunky at the administration office, but knowing these clowns the paperwork will take about two years to get through.

\- kill Kylo Ren, which I might endeavour if he didn’t try to choke me whenever I get within a few feet of him.

\- show to the rest of the crew that Kylo Ren is an incompetent fool who would have trouble tying his own shoelaces if he had shoelaces on his boots instead of self-tightening compressor bands.

 

It’s safe to say my best chance lies within the third course of action. My eyes and ears shall thus lie in wait for any crack within Ren’s facade, so I can slither within this crack like a snake.

 

*

 

_Dear journal,_

 

_Another day without a sunrise or a sunset. The bleak void of space is like the void in my soul – dark and empty and suffocating, a place where no one can hear no matter how loud you try to cry out. Yes, my soul is crying, and the tears immediately freeze and turn to shards of ice that pierce my heart._

 

_Today someone suggested that we invade a planet. I remember a time, so far away now, when that sort of suggestion would have delighted me. Invading a planet was a reason to get up in the morning. But now, I just think, what’s the point? We go in, terrorize the local population so they swear eternal allegiance to us, get back on our ship, leave, go to another planet and start all over again. When I was younger, I swore I would never get stuck in a job where I would just go through the motions and follow a mindless routine, and now I have._

 

_Of course, everything would be different if_ she _were here. My star. My desert rose. The light shining like a beacon on this bleak, meaningless journey we call life. I should reach out to her, but how?_

 

_*_

 

Log of Armitage Hux, Day 138

 

It seems the odds have finally turned in my favour. One mustn’t count one’s porglets before they hatch, as Granmama used to say, but still, I have reasons to believe that I have landed on a very promising trail indeed.

 

I was just heading out of the central command station, getting ready for today’s invasion, when I saw Kylo Ren in full battle gear a few feet away. He couldn’t see me, not least because his helmet is poorly designed and doesn’t allow much peripheral vision, but he also seemed deep in thought, lost in his own world. When I stepped a bit closer, I could hear him murmuring something, over and over again. Was it a mantra? Some sort of incantation to get him ready for battle or curse our enemies? (I have been explained many times that the Force isn’t _really_ magic and you can’t cast spells or anything, but if I’m honest, I’m still on the fence about how it’s supposed to work.)

 

Yet it was nothing of the sort. Kylo Ren was reciting _a poem_. And not just any poem. I will transcribe it fully for further reference:

 

_My lightsaber is red_

_Yours is blue_

_I would conquer the galaxy_

_Just for you_

 

Putting asides the unbearable mediocrity of this drivel, I’m certain many within our ranks would change their opinion on their leader if they knew he was such a sentimental sop. If only there had been a way to broadcast this pathetic spectacle to everyone! (Note: portable pocket-sized machines with cameras would be a handy invention. Perhaps with a system to show the recorded data to others, like an integrated hologram projector?)

 

Now, who could he possibly have composed it for? That is the great mystery. But as of yet there has been no mystery or man that Armitage Hux hasn’t managed to strip bare.

 

*

 

_Dear journal,_

 

_My mood has lifted slightly, like a battered TIE fighter lifting from the ground with only one reactor working properly. Expressing my feelings in the form of poetry seems to have helped; I never knew I had such a talent for it. It simply flowed out of me, rhymes and all. If only she knew how much she inspired me – if only I could reverently whisper my words of love to her as we stand over the charred ruins of the Resistance base._

 

_Alas, there’s no way I could ever get my poem through to her. It’s not as if we all have a virtual mailbox with a virtual address on which we can send messages. Still, there must be a way not to let the deep font of creativity that lies within me go to waste._

 

*

 

Log of Armitage Hux, Day 141

 

I genuinely believe that it no longer luck that’s on my side, but a sign that it is my destiny to be the galaxy’s undisputed overlord. As I was making my way to the main hangar, what should I see lying on the ground but a piece of paper covered in a childish scrawl I had no trouble recognising, especially since the material itself was astoundingly puerile.

 

I think I’ll just copy the poem here, if one can call it that, and let it speak for itself.

 

 

_Darkness and light_

_Blending as one_

_Burn like the sun_

_In the dead of night_

 

_Lightness and dark_

_Blending together_

_Beyond the ether_

_My fire, your spark_

 

_I’ll be your guide_

_I’ll be your slave_

_I’ll show you what the Force is about_

 

_Let me put my darkness in you_

_And never take it out_

 

Even a black hole would regurgitate this out of disgust. It did, however, contain a clue as to who Kylo Ren is composing these poems for: A WOMAN. Yes, he seems to have fallen prey to the feminine wiles of some brazen temptress. (One of the girls at the admistration office? Will have to investigate further.)

In the meantime, I’m going to make sure as many people read this as possible. With all the information that goes through the network hour on the hour, I believe it would be more effective to somehow distribute paper copies of the poem, and I think I know just the way to achieve this. (Note: everyone’s always talking about how the printed word has been dying for centuries in this galaxy, but I think they underestimate how many planets suffer from temporary electricity blackouts due to solar flairs. Also, wouldn't it be harder for spies to steal data and strategic battle plans if we simply wrote them down on a poster sheet? People laugh when I say this, but it makes sense!)

All I have to do now is wait for my plan to come to fruition, stoke the fires of revolution and then, as the new leader of the First Order, spread my arms wide to welcome the ardent longing of our brave soldiers.

 

*

 

**Dear Kylo Ren,**

 

**We thank you for your submission to En-Core Literary Magazine, broadcasting the best literature to the Core Worlds and beyond. We’re always excited to make new voices heard and pleased to feature the poem you sent us in our next issue. As per your request, we will ship one hundred and fifty copies to your battleship _Annihilator_ sometime next week.**

 

**We hope that you will submit more material in the future, should you decide not to blow up Chandrila and with it, our publishing house.**

 

**Best,**

 

**The En-Core Team**

 

*

 

_Dear journal,_

 

_Mood continues to be good. I destroyed a bunch of rebel ships today and for the first time in weeks, there was a smile on my face. All the while I was thinking of her, and my heart skipped a beat when I realized she would no doubt hear about how I had mercilessly crushed another fleet. Could she be thinking of me at this very moment? It seems like nothing right now could get me down._

 

*

 

Log of Armitage Hux, Day 149

 

That’s it. I’ve had it. Who would want to rule over this band of idiotic bucket heads anyway? When the issues of En-Core Magazine arrived and were “accidentally” left in the recreation area by a delivery droid, I thought the time had finally come where this masquerade would end. Yet, incomprehensibly, Kylo Ren’s asinine foray into poetry have actually made him MORE popular among the blubbering half-wits we call our troops.

 

Here’s a sample of what I heard in the cafeteria during my daily food intake. “This is good stuff. It makes him seem more human, you know?” “It’s like he really cares. Like he wants to put the Dark Side in all of us.” “I had no idea he could compose rhymes like that.” I would have vomited if we didn’t absorb supplements solely in the form of pills and not actual food.

 

I’m bitterly reminded of the tale of the bounty hunter whose very own jet pack was hit during a battle, blew up and sent him flying right into the Pit of Sarlacc. I have no one else to blame for my demise. I just blew myself.

 

*

 

_Dear journal,_

 

_This worked out better than I ever could have imagined. When I made sure Hux found my poem, I knew he would try and have everyone else read it – that moron has been trying to overthrow me for months, I just keep him around for my own amusement._

 

_However, I had no idea he would actually get it published in En-Core Magazine! It’s one of my lifelong dreams, really. I still remember the short story I sent them when I was fifteen years old, and how angry I was when they rejected it. And then Dad told me to quit writing because I had no talent and pursue other goals. Ha! Who’s laughing now?_

 

_It was all a ploy to test the waters and see how the troops responded before sending it to its real recipient. The feedback has been so positive, it’s given me the confidence boost I needed. As soon as my lieutenants manage to locate the Resistance base and lay siege on our enemies, I’m enclosing an issue of the magazine in a sealed envelop, as well as another poem I composed last night._

 

_Snoke is dead_

_Hux is a dummy_

_You are nothing_

_But not to me_

 

_I’m sure Rey will love it._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Why is are there holograms and spaceships in the SW universe but no Internet? Or even a Xerox machine? Come to think of it, does anyone in the galaxy actually know how to write with a pen except those who wrote the Jedi texts 6000 years ago? So many questions. 
> 
> There is an allusion to a line in a figure-skating comedy in the title, and another to an even more famous TV show in the text, congrats to the eagle-eye readers among you who caught them.


End file.
